The Need to Prove Oneself
By Cheryl Fidelman – The Conscious Codependence™ Coach.
When it comes to proving, there are so many things you could be proving in any given moment. Proving your validity, proving that you agree (even when you don’t), proving that you can relate, proving that you belong, proving that you’re right, proving that you’re good enough, proving your value, proving your innocence, and so on. There are so many things that can be motivating the need to prove oneself and all these things point back to the PROOF OF IDENTITY.
When we are being motivated to prove ourself, we are often proving ourself to be the person that we think will calm and appease another person. To be the person that would “KEEP THE PEACE” with that particular person we’re talking to. To be the person who knows what’s best and that we are the best supporter. To be the person that knows exactly what the other person is thinking and wanting but we can’t locate any of that for ourselves. To be the person that we want to be seen as and to deny who we truly are. When we perceive a threat to our identity, we often react from a codependent state of proving.
Whatever it is that we think they may need from us to keep the peace and keep a feeling of connection, we will prove that is the person that we are. That’s why some of us feel invisible and unknown. But how can people know us if we keep changing form to fit what we think fits in their eyeballs? And we’ll take on jobs to prove that we’re the person that we think the other person wants us to be.
Additionally, or a different kind of proving behavior, is when we think we’re right. What are the behaviors that you may demonstrate when you think you’re right? Will you cut somebody off and repeat your bullet points over and over? Do you speak louder to prove your point of view, raise your voice and get upset because the person doesn’t understand what you think they are doing to you? Compliment or embellish? Do you become super righteous about what you think is objectively true about human behavior?
Oftentimes when we are proving our point of view, we’re in the position of seeing only our point of view. This is one of the things that Codependence & Narcissism can have in common – we think that there’s only one point of view in the room and it’s ours. In our independent moments, we don’t need another person to see or agree with our point of view in order for us to know that our reality is real to us. It’s just that we often don’t like how it feels to not be seen so we try to prove ourselves in their eyes, so that we don’t feel the rejection of being misinterpreted.
In our deepest moments of proving, our energy is so focused outward, that we cannot feel the energy that is coming towards us. We can overlook and not even feel that one of our boundaries is being crossed. Proving our identity can become so crucial that we can completely overlook another person’s impact on us. CODEPENDENCE IS BLIND.
In these Codependent moments, we regress to a younger version of ourselves that needed to be heard by another in order to exist. For a lot of us in our younger years, the power of our identity was in another’s eyes and ears. Therefore, in our adulthood, we dissociate from ourselves in order to prove our identity to another, meanwhile, who we are to ourselves is likely a mystery.
In the process that I bring my clients through that I call, Conscious Codependence™, WE PRACTICE HAVING NOTHING TO PROVE AND LOTS TO FEEL. FEEL MORE. PROVE LESS.
The more we feel, the less of a mystery we are unto ourselves.
BECAUSE OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELF IS WHERE IT ALL BEGINS.
And then who we are in other people’s eyes is no longer our job to create.
We return to our innocence with permission to be curious of others. Curiosity is the opposite of proving.
CURIOSITY BREEDS CONNECTION.
There are 52 distinctions and main theories of The Conscious Codependence™ Process.
The 3 foundational theories are The 3 Tenets of Conscious Codependence™:
-The Want to be Wanted
-The Need to be Needed
-The Need to Prove Oneself
Get your FREE PDF of The 3 Tenets of Conscious Codependence™ at www.cherylfidelman.com. The PDF lists the common developmental roots and behavioral patterns of each Tenet and also some questions to customize them to your experience. For the next few days after reading this article practice PROVING NOTHING – or at least try to become conscious of the moments that you choose to prove.
Cheryl Fidelman, The Conscious Codependence™ Coach. Cheryl focuses on Codependence because it’s one of the most obvious ways that we demonstrate our unhealed trauma in our relationships. Her Conscious Codependence™ methodology blends a mix of somatic experiencing, cognitive behavioral therapy & intersubjective meditation to reestablish her clients’ self-worth by cultivating a deep sense of belonging within their psyche, spirit & nervous system. Because your relationship with yourself is where it all begins.