How Codependence Can be Masculine
By Cheryl Fidelman, The Conscious Codependence™ Coach.
For some of us, regardless of what gender one identifies as, our Codependence is a demonstration of our unhealed masculine side. There are a myriad of codependent habits or behaviors that one could possess. For the purposes of this article, I’m covering the moments when our automatic, knee-jerk reactions are to protect and defend ourselves, notice an issue and assume responsibility to fix it or figure it out, prove our identity and/or remain stoic so that our feelings don’t throw us off of our “to-do list.”
Fundamentally, Codependence is a dissociation from self. Any Codependent moment is a moment when someone else’s experience is more obvious to us than our own. At some point in our upbringing, we were traumatized out of being associated with ourselves. This disconnection from our inner world and the shutting out of our emotions and feelings in order to be of service to someone else’s reality is a demonstration of our unhealed masculine side.
The 3rd Tenet of Conscious Codependence™ is “The Need to Prove Oneself.” It is rooted in our sense of identity and the need to prove our righteousness and innocence. We go above and beyond to protect others from their own experience and we go out of our way to prove our honor, our identity and our value. We may also focus on proving that we are safe and ignore that we may not actually feel safe. We’ll sweep things under the rug so that we can keep moving and resist the temptation to stop and feel our inner truth. We pull the wool over our own eyes just to keep it all “together.”
At your truest nature, you may not be the one who can handle everyone’s safety, but it’s who you were traumatized into being. Our trauma gives us skills that are often the antithesis of our soul’s calling – our real talents, gifts and passions. You may be holding it all together when your intuition wants you to surrender. You may be protecting, when you need protection and managing other people’s feelings to avoid your own.
When we are in our healed masculine, we can protect, serve, and lead from an empowered place rather than that of exhaustion and threat. We take the time to get to know ourselves and who we truly are so that we can stand in our own honor and integrity without proving it. We slow down and learn what others need and want instead of assuming what they want and assuming we can serve it. When we’re embodied and grounded, our clarity and safety of self is our healed masculine.
Most importantly, we can hold our terms and boundaries because we understand the concept of impact. In our Codependence, we often try to shield others from the impact of our actions by working to manage their minds and prove our innocence. And we underestimate or exaggerate the impact that others have on us because we can’t often tell what other humans are for and what their place is in our lives. We have little room for human error – others or our own. When we are living from our healed masculine, we expand our threshold for the results of human interaction. In our greatest state of wisdom, we can understand and feel the impact of others behavior on us while simultaneously not victimizing ourselves. And we can feel all there is to feel while witnessing our impact on others without leaving ourselves to fix it.
Cheryl Fidelman, The Conscious Codependence™ Coach. Cheryl focuses on Codependence because it’s one of the most obvious ways that we demonstrate our unhealed trauma in our relationships. Her Conscious Codependence™ methodology blends a mix of somatic experiencing, cognitive behavioral therapy & intersubjective meditation to reestablish her clients’ self-worth by cultivating a deep sense of belonging within their psyche, spirit & nervous system. Because your relationship with yourself is where it all begins. Get your FREE PDF of The 3 Tenets of Conscious Codependence™ at www.cherylfidelman.com