The Want to be Wanted

By Cheryl Fidelman, The Conscious Codependence™ Coach.

The lack of belonging can often be synonymous with the experience of Codependence. We leave ourselves to take care of another person’s experience so that we can be wanted by them and belong with them. Our unhealed trauma may tell us that to honor our own individual experience may garner rejection, punishment or abandonment. For a lot of us, some level of enmeshment has been entrained or traumatized into us as a “successful” technique to ensure a sense of belonging, safety & connection. But we are connected to no one if we are not connected to ourselves.  

The first of The 3 Tenets of Conscious Codependence™ is ‘The Want to be Wanted.’ It is rooted in our sense of belonging. It lives in our sense of worth and value. It highlights our superego – that which has us live in comparison. Our superego is useful in the sense that it gives us the ability to compare and compete and find our place in the tribe. But living in comparison can create inferiority, superiority and self-marginalization. The superego it what has us Codependents give others more value, more power and more permission to take up space. 

Can you think of ways in which you had to earn your being wanted or belonging when you were a kid?  Did you have to silence yourself so you’re parent(s) would be calm? Did you have to raise your siblings, get good grades, do chores around the house, ignore your intuition, have all the answers etc…. Did being silent ensure that you were wanted? Did being smart or dressing a certain way or taking sides or being agreeable or pleasing ensure that you were wanted or belonged? Are any of these behaviors (or the essence of them) still showing up anywhere in your adult life? This is how early childhood trauma can develop into adult Codependence. 

Codependence is a high level act of conforming. And a lot of us are so good at it because we had to conform in order to belong in the context of our parents’ or guardian’s reality.  We had to find our place in the culture and psychology of our childhood homelife. This reshaping of our personality in order to belong has created within us what I call our “Traumatic Identity,” – I will write about this more in-depth in my next article. Most of us are not being True Selves or operating from our True Nature when are in our Codependent moments – we are behaving from the point of view of our “Traumatic Identity.”

Our “Traumatic Identity” wants to be wanted and wants to belong – even with people and scenarios that our True Nature could care less. Our “Traumatic Identity” is reaching for belonging because it’s in an automatic reaction of feeling lost and trying to find an anchor into someone – if you want me, then I am found. If you’re upset, then I don’t belong with you until you are happy. 

When we move through The Conscious Codependence™, we are no longer pulled by the gravitational pull of another’s mood or desires. Seniority and inferiority no longer exist. And we can bear witness to another person’s experience without trying to change them so that we can feel wanted.  Our existence is not in another person’s hands. Because we belong to no one if we don’t belong to ourselves.  

Because your relationship with yourself is where it all begins.

Cheryl focuses on Codependence because it’s one of the most obvious ways that we demonstrate our unhealed trauma in our relationships. Her Conscious Codependence™ methodology blends a mix of somatic experiencing, cognitive behavioral therapy & intersubjective meditation to reestablish her clients’ self-worth by cultivating a deep sense of belonging within their psyche, spirit & nervous system. You can get your FREE PDF of The 3 Tenets of Conscious Codependence™ at www.cherylfidelman.com. The PDF lists the common developmental roots & behavioral patterns of each Tenet and also some questions to customize them to your experience.