Using Your Pain to Heal Codependency in Relationships
By Michelle Farris.
Navigating codependency in relationships can often feel like a relentless cycle of pain and self-sacrifice. Often, codependent people develop unhealthy coping strategies like using substances or over-working to avoid these feelings. Yet, embracing that pain can be a powerful tool for transformation and healing.
Codependency recovery isn’t a one size fits all. In this blog, you will learn how to use your own pain to deepen your healing.
Let’s begin.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a relationship pattern of intensely focusing on others. This creates an unhealthy dependency and a lack of self-trust. You find yourself compulsively helping, rescuing or controlling others even when it’s not called for.
As a result, you begin to over-function and experience painful consequences that hurt you and your relationships.
For instance…
- You don’t have enough energy to enjoy your life because you’re too busy trying to help others.
- You feel anxious and worried about others instead of taking care of yourself and your own life.
- You feel disconnected to yourself which makes you seek validation in unhealthy ways that don’t last.
So how do you use painful feelings to recover from codependency?
Follow the pain. Whaat?
Yes, pain is a great motivator because it gets your attention. Use it to your advantage! One simple way is to follow your feelings. For example, what is making you seek help right now?
If I had to guess (after seeing clients over 10 years) there are 5 common scenarios that are leading you to seek codependency recovery. You may relate to one or all of them.
1. You’re feeling depressed because a relationship has ended.
Losing a relationship can bring you to your knees faster than any other challenge. The feelings of sadness and loss overshadow everything else because relationships have become your lifeline. Healing your relationship becomes your primary motivation to heal.
And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
It’s okay to focus on healing the relationship BUT here’s the twist; first, uncover your own codependent behaviors that contributed to the relationship not working out. Part of recovery is looking at your own behavior, so you know what to work on next.
Then, assess what worked and what went wrong in that relationship. Identify your unique behaviors that may have contributed to one-sided relationships.
Examples of codependency include:
- Trying to help or fix others instead of yourself
- Expecting others to meet all of your needs
- Not setting boundaries or saying no
- Pleasing others but never advocating for yourself
- Holding on to toxic people because you can’t be alone
- Feeling worthless and a lack of self-trust
These core symptoms of codependency will show you what causes you pain and use that as your starting point in your healing.
Tip: Be willing to look at what needs to change in yourself because that’s how you’re going to create positive change.
2. You are struggling with anxiety because you can’t let go.
Letting go is one of the hardest tasks in recovery (and in life). Getting overly attached to people, places and outcomes is all part of the codependent struggle.
Constantly doing for others and neglecting yourself creates anxiety. You start to feel overwhelmed without knowing why. That’s because you’re running around being everything to everyone and it wipes you out. Don’t make yourself wrong for that because it’s a common behavior in codependency. You’re not alone.
Having a big heart has become your superpower, but you need to learn how to feel for yourself, too.
Use that anxious energy to heal yourself instead of others.
This means becoming more emotionally independent from others. Start by cultivating a relationship with yourself. Discover what makes you happy and practice honoring what YOU want instead of always thinking you’re being selfish.
Ironically, thinking of yourself builds self-esteem, not arrogance.
3. You’re feeling resentful or taken advantage of – a lot!
Consistently pleasing others first creates resentment. That doesn’t make you wrong. Although it’s uncomfortable (because you don’t want to admit feeling it) feelings of resentment need to be honored, not dismissed.
For instance, you might think it’s easier to please others than yourself but there comes a point where you just can’t do it anymore. Over-giving without getting much in return starts to backfire on you.
This behavior can lead to problems. You may find yourself yelling at your kids or being easily annoyed. Again, finding ways to manage how you feel is part of recovery.
For instance, use that feeling of resentment to do less for others and more for yourself. Make a list of things you’d like to stop doing and start practicing with people who support your growth.
4. You feel isolated and alone in recovery.
Doing life all by yourself in codependency is hard enough but attempting to recover alone is next to impossible.
It’s okay if you’re feeling scared and sad. Most people contemplating recovery are suffering from years and years of self-neglect. You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.
Consider Al-Anon or CODA, two free 12 step support groups that offer free in person and online meetings. While friends and family are great, they may not understand how to deal with codependency.
When first starting Alanon I felt like I was at home, and that feeling kept me on the path. That’s what I want for you. To have a safe place to go when you’re hurting. These meetings also offer mentors to show you how to work the program in a way that works for you.
Final Thoughts
This journey isn’t about avoiding pain but embracing it as a guide to honor your feelings without judgment. Recovering from codependency is learning how to trust and follow your feelings so you can create a sense of self that sustains you.
Michelle Farris, Licensed Psychotherapist and Codependency Expert. Learn more about Michelle and how she heals codependent relationships with her free guide 7 Signs of a Codependent Relationship (and How to Heal Them) https://counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-relationship-freebie/
