Are You Absorbing Or Observing Yourself

By Marshall Burtcher.

I view healing codependency as a life-long process of re-discovering myself and who I want to be.  It is a journey through three phases:  Survival, Healing, and Creation.  

And so far, it seems to be an on-going loop through each phase as we outgrow our codependency and master being our whole selves.  

This journey depends on building a strong sense of self-observation – meaning I can step back from my activations, triggers, and strong opinions and take a more neutral perspective, watching how my mind and body react in response to things I’m encountering.

If I cannot observe myself, I cannot know myself.  

For example, in the Survival Phase, I’ll be absorbed in the emotions, energy, and identity that came with that particular situation.  This leaves no space or room for real change. 

Further, I cannot actually know my pain and care for it because I’m absorbed in acting it out.  

This is why building a practice of self-observation is the second practice I teach my students in FOUNDATION.  They begin to understand and comprehend their experience while not being entirely blended with it.  This is the work we do in the Healing Phase of the journey.

At a deeper level, this also begins to evolve the identity of the individual.  They are starting to experience who they are without being in pain and hurt, too.  They’re beginning to encounter a larger sense of themselves.  

This tends to evolve into a shift in how they relate to their painful experiences. 

Instead of, “I’m unworthy because of xyz experiences”, it shows up as, “I felt really unloved in those experiences and am upset they happened”.

This shift from identity to experience is profoundly healing, as the experiences are no longer being applied personally to the person’s worth and identity.

This growth allows the individual to step deeper into bringing that pain to a place of rest and lasting comfort.

One way to help nurture this relationship of being the observer and the comforter of your pain is to change how you speak to yourself about it.

Instead of, “I hate this. I don’t want this.  Go away!”

It can be approached with:

“Hey, I see you. I’m with you in this and your feelings and pain and fear are important to me. Tell me more”.

This helps you start to take on the role of being the Adult or Parent self to your pain and building a state of trust and vulnerability with all that you feel and experience.

This practice of observation becomes a deeper practice of presence and connection with your intuitive self when you start to outgrow the Healing Phase of your journey and enter the Creation Phase of the work.

Observation becomes the tool to help you un-blend from the attachments, beliefs, and reactions that interfere with accessing your intuitive self and sensing out the path to having what you want.

You see, we do not have to heal completely in order to have what we desire.  We need only become available enough so we can receive it and keep it.  All that requires is enough safety and space to let your intuitive self direct your actions.

And all that can be nurtured by practicing Observation.

Check out the CLARITY course linked in the bio to get this tool and other trainings on cultivating your healing.  I look forward to seeing how you evolve!

Marshall Burtcher is a Codependency Transformation Expert. He specializes in helping codependents, people-pleasers, and perfectionists get aligned with their real worth, purpose, and satisfaction so they create a life they enjoy. Learn how to start actually loving yourself in his free CLARITY course: https://clarity.freetheself.com