A Quick Guide to Saying No in Codependency Recovery

By Michelle Farris, licensed psychotherapist and codependency expert.

Saying no gets a bad rap. 

The biggest fear in codependency recovery is appearing selfish to others. By saying no, you assume the other person will be upset which makes it hard to say no or set boundaries. 

So… you try to be nice and keep the peace. You act like everything is fine hoping to avoid a confrontation. You say yes when inside you’re screaming NOOOOO. And you do whatever is asked of you anyway.

That still small voice within you is saying STOP doing this. Take care of yourself first but the fear takes over once again.

Ugh!

Low self-esteem is a major dilemma in codependency recovery. By hyper-focusing on others, you end up dismissing your needs. You may obsess over what others think of you which governs your decisions. As a result, what other people think becomes way more important than what YOU think. 

Your self-esteem becomes dependent on how much you GIVE instead of letting  yourself make healthy choices.

In recovery, prioritizing your own needs becomes a critical step in ending the cycle of saying yes when you mean no.

Something has to change but you’re not sure where to start. That’s where I can help!

How NOT Saying No Hurts You

Everyone has an “inner voice” that shows up like an intuitive thought or gut feeling. Recovering from codependency requires being able to recognize and befriend this intuition. For instance, this “gut feeling” often tells you where your boundaries are in relationships. 

For instance, when someone asks you for a favor – you may have an immediate reaction, especially if it’s a no. A yes feels easy and has no hesitation. You notice that your heart expands because you WANT to give, not that you should give.

On the other hand, when you want to say no, you may feel hesitation, self-doubt or negative thoughts. You may even dread having to deal with the person who made the request because you don’t want to disappoint them.

When putting others’ needs above your own, you can’t be honest about what you need. By not speaking your truth, you continue to say yes when you mean no. You feel invisible as your needs get put on the back burner for the sake of pleasing others. 

And over time, relationships become one-sided and toxic.

Eventually, your “inner no” gets harder to ignore. Maybe you don’t even want to be around this person anymore because you’re so resentful. Feeling trapped in obligation makes these relationships even more challenging. 

Address Your Fears of Saying No

Before you can say no, you need to address the fear. 12 step programs have a great acronym that stands for – False Evidence Appearing Real. Basically, it means what we fear rarely happens. 

So ask yourself…what is your worst fear about saying no? Do you think they’ll get mad and leave you? Do you think they’ll think you’re a bad person?

Then ask yourself, how likely is that fear going to happen? And if it DID happen, what does that say about the relationship? 

Speaking up about what you need shouldn’t come back to bite you. If your relationship can’t tolerate saying no, it’s time to assess who is in your life.

Saying Is Self-care Not Selfish

Saying no doesn’t mean that you’re selfish or inconsiderate. These beliefs reinforce a stoic mentality where you’re denying your own needs for the sake of others.

Without self-care, stress and anxiety often increase. If these feelings are ignored, they can take a negative toll on the body. Headaches, stomach and digestive issues are common physical expressions of stress. It’s normal and healthy to have needs. These symptoms are trying to tell you that you’ve hit your limit and it’s time to speak up.

A simple way to figure out your boundaries is to ask yourself “What are you willing to do and what are you not willing to do?” Spend some time writing this out and see what you discover. Journalling can provide clarity when fear takes over.

Change your Self-talk!

Telling yourself that others will be mad if you say no assumes the worst and often proves to be false.

While people may not like it, they will likely respect you for saying no and taking care of yourself. If they can’t accept your boundaries, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Without healthy boundaries, relationships suffer. They become obligations not intimate connections.

Practice Saying No with Safe People First

Without healthy boundaries you risk becoming a doormat. Resentments build and create an underlying tension that hurt your ability to enjoy relationships. Instead, practice saying no with the people you feel safest with, like a best friend or close family member.

Saying No Weeds Out Unhealthy People

When people don’t respect your no, pay close attention. Feeling like you can’t say no because it will cause a problem is a major red flag. Healthy relationships should benefit both people, not just one person.

To be fair, you may get a negative reaction initially. Give people time to adjust this new behavior. Codependent giving and over-functioning trains others to expect more from you. If they cannot support your saying no, then it may be time to lower your expectations and reconsider the depth of the relationship. 

Final Thoughts

While saying no will feel uncomfortable at first, remember that people who love you WANT you to take care of yourself! Saying no fosters healthy self-esteem. This skill gives you the chance to honor what you need without apology and that is recovery!

Micelle Farris is a psychotherapist in codependency recovery. Her FREE journal prompts will jump start your healing! https://counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependency-council/