How to Stop Being So Mean to Yourself

By Laura K. Connell.

Are you mean to yourself? Does the voice inside your head feel like it’s always against you instead of on your side?

There are good reasons for that and it’s not your fault. In this article, you’ll learn why you speak so unkindly to yourself and three things you can do about that…starting today.

Why do I say mean things to myself?

Being mean to yourself is often the result of a childhood in which you didn’t hear many kind voices. The inner critic is the internalized voices of those authority figures who were too hard on you.

If you were raised in a dysfunctional home, your parents or caregivers taught you to be mean to yourself. By withholding the care and attention that those in healthy homes receive, they gave ammunition to your inner critic.

Instead of a kind inner voice, you developed one that was unduly harsh to you. As an adult, you may even believe this voice is motivating.

Many people struggle to let go of their inner critic because they think s/he is helping them achieve. But to people who use this argument I ask: “if being mean to yourself is so effective, why don’t you have everything you want by now?”

If you’re reading this article, I’m guessing there are things in your life you’d like to change. The best way to see improvements in your results is by being nice to yourself. But how?

How to stop being so mean to yourself

Tune into your body.

One of the problems with mainstream self-help is that it tells you to “leap and the net will appear.” Unfortunately, with childhood trauma, that concept is too terrifying, and you will have to create a sense of safety for yourself first.

Rather than using raw courage to “push through” and “just do it”, tune into your body and what it needs at the time. Recognize that a heightened sense of terror when you’re taking a risk is another symptom of unhealed trauma. 

Instead of ignoring your body’s efforts to keep you safe, provide it with what it needs. If you have to do something scary like giving a presentation, the last thing you want to do is ignore your body’s signals.

Thank yourself for trying to keep you safe. Give yourself a hug and self-soothe through deep breathing, holding a warm beverage, or cuddling under a cozy blanket.

Feel your feelings.

Self-compassion is more than being kind to yourself. Your inner child/nervous system believes it is being kind to you with its reactive responses and internal criticism.

This is how it keeps you safe! Instead of scolding yourself or your inner child for feeling a certain way, give it the compassion and comfort it never received.

You are the parent now and accepting your feelings without judgment is an important part of self-compassion. Your feelings aren’t silly, they are there for a reason.

Befriend your emotions and listen to what they’re telling you. Often, they express a need that you’ve been denying yourself.

Stop judging your thoughts.

Another questionable aspect of mainstream self-help is the idea that certain thoughts are useless, and you should throw them out. Like feelings, our thoughts have information that can help us grow.

Approach your thoughts with a spirit of inquiry and exploration. Changing your thoughts or suppressing them will only further disconnect you from yourself.

Ask yourself where does this thought originate? At what age did I start thinking this way? What purpose could this thought serve?

Sometimes thoughts that seem unhelpful are the inner child’s way of protecting you from pain. Rather than ignoring them or pushing them away, you want to get curious about them.

If you practice these strategies when faced with a challenge, you will begin to feel more like your friend than your enemy. Tuning into yourself, exploring your thoughts, and accepting your feelings are three ways you can stop being so mean to yourself.

As a result, you become more attuned to your intuition, which points you in the direction of your authentic life. This improved connection with yourself will foster a more genuine connection with others as well.

Laura K. Connell is a trauma-informed coach and over 600 students have taken her courses. She is the creator of Confusion to Clarity, a proven program to help you heal from the pain of dysfunctional families. Watch the free masterclass “4-Step Process for Healing Your Childhood Trauma” here: https://www.laurakconnell.com/masterclass-registration