Codependents Aren’t Saving Anyone

By Cheryl Fidelman, The Conscious Codependence™ Coach.

There are endless habits and behaviors that can be described as Codependent. We all have different combinations of these habits and behaviors. The ones that you have may not be the ones that the next person has. But what is common to all Codependents and the thread that weaves all Codependent habits and behaviors together is the propensity to save someone.  But who are you saving?

Am I saving the family from you? Am I saving you from yourself? Am I saving myself from you? Am I saving myself from myself? All of these questions come with 2-3 assumptions. The assumption that there’s someone to save. The assumption that it’s your job. And (for some of us) it’s your job to figure out the thing that will do the saving and you can’t ask for any help from anyone. Saving is a solo job and it’s ALL YOURS.

Now we land in the anxiety and isolation that is inherent to most Codependent moments. The isolation,  the aloneness and the lostness that saving is born from. If you didn’t feel lost, then there would be no one to save. If you didn’t sense that someone else was lost, then there would be no one to save. If you didn’t feel like someone was alone (yourself and/or another) than you wouldn’t be hearing a call that someone needs saving. And it’s the figuring it out all by yourself that causes this anxious state alone with your mind. 

It can be Codependent to put efforts towards saving someone. When we put our attention on saving someone (or ourselves) our Codependency increases. It’s like a Codependent avalanche that expands with every saving effort. Before you know it your Codependency is piled on top of you with such weight that your energy to save anyone is maxed out and you’re more alone and lost then when you first set out to do the saving. 

Your identity can also become confused.  An important distinction of The Conscious Codependence™ Process is what I call “Role Trauma.” In your automatically reactive process of saving, you may fall into a role that is not yours to have in the particular relationship. You may fall into being a mother or a father when the person is not your offspring. You may fall into being a boss when the person is not your employee – colleague when the person is not your co-worker, sibling when the person is not your sibling, spiritual advisor when the person is not your client – and so on. 

In order to dissolve the need to save, you must find a familiar place within yourself that can embrace feeling lost and alone. That place inside you that can chill out in no man’s land and doesn’t need to be saved from it. This place is in your body, not in your mind. From there, you can sit with the idea that no one needs to be saved and be anxiety free. Not another person from themselves, not you from another person and not you from you. 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP w/ YOURSELF is WHERE it ALL BEGINS

You can get your FREE PDF of The 3 Codes to Clear Codependency at www.cherylfidelman.com. The PDF lists the common developmental roots & behavioral patterns of each Code and also some questions to customize them to your experience.