How to Spot Red Flags: Stop Overlooking These Warning Signs

By Laura K. Connell.

Have you overlooked red flags in your relationships? These are the warning signs of danger ahead. 

But instead of heeding them, you have gone full speed ahead into trouble. In this article, we’ll discuss what red flags are, why you overlook them, and how to stop.

What is a red flag?

Let’s begin by defining the term ‘red flag’. It refers to words or actions that indicate someone is unhealthy, potentially abusive, or simply wrong for you. 

Some examples

Many women indicate noticing these warning signs as early as the first date. Perhaps the person made a remark that created feelings of discomfort or fear.

Maybe he said something that contradicted your values or revealed negative relationship patterns. He may have displayed signs of aggression or controlling behavior.

On their first date, for example, OJ Simpson was so aggressive with Nicole Brown that he tore her clothes. Instead of running for the hills, she minimized the incident, kept dating him, and paid a high price later.

This is how ignoring or dismissing red flags can literally cost you your life. And that’s why it’s so important to pay attention to them and acknowledge their role in keeping you safe.

Another example includes signs of lying such as changing their stories or being unwilling or unable to corroborate claims about themselves or their past.

They may show difficulty controlling anger or frustration. For example, flaring up at a server in a restaurant for something innocuous.

The possibilities are endless. That’s why you need to learn to trust your gut and your mind to tell you when something is off with someone.

How to spot red flags

Now that you know what red flags are, how do you spot them? What are the signs that you’re dealing with an unsafe person?

You might have a feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is not right. You could experience nausea or the feeling that you want to run away.

This is your body helping you by giving you signs that you’re unsafe. Instead of heeding them, we often brush them away and we’ll talk about that later in the article.

Another sign is that this person reminds you of someone from your past or present who has toxic traits. This could be a family member or an abusive ex-partner.

They say or do things that contradict your value system or cross your boundaries. But instead of challenging them, you suppress your own opinions or compromise your standards.

For example, you are looking for a monogamous relationship and this person talks about wanting to sleep with several women at a time. Instead of telling him you’re not a good match, you tell yourself he doesn’t really mean it, or you can change him.

Why you miss or dismiss them

Childhood trauma

If you were raised in a toxic home, you’re more likely to overlook red flags. That’s because you were forced to accept dangerous behavior as a child.

When you are raised to minimize or ignore threats to your personal safety, you become disconnected from your internal warning systems.

That’s why you brush away feelings in your body instead of paying attention to what they’re telling you. 

You were forced to suppress your opinions and desires to receive acceptance and love. As a child, these were life or death, so even as an adult you fear asserting yourself in case someone leaves you.

What you don’t realize is you open yourself to harm when you minimize or excuse toxic behavior in other adults. The child inside you believes it’s protecting you by refusing to speak up, but it’s actually doing the opposite.

Social conditioning

Women are raised to be agreeable and pleasing to others. You may have been taught not to trust your instincts as a result.

Many of us have been told to smile when we have no reason to smile. We are subject to the ‘male gaze’ from a young age which teaches us to look at ourselves from the outside instead of tuning into what we really need and want on the inside.

This external focus that we’re encouraged to take on influences how we approach relationships. Instead of asking what you want, you make the other person happy, even at the expense of yourself.

How to become more skilled at identifying red flags

Tune into your body and what it’s telling you. Many of us go around ignoring signals of fear because we’re so used to them from childhood.

Take time to connect with yourself on a physical level. How often do you override basic signals of hunger, thirst, or the need for rest?

Instead of brushing away these signals, begin listening to them and doing what they say. Become your own protector by knowing you are on your own side and your body is giving you helpful information.

Build self-trust. Gaslighting and other forms of abuse in childhood or past relationships can make you doubt yourself.

Begin to keep promises to yourself and set boundaries that you don’t allow anyone to step over. For example, do you have rules around how long you’ll wait before physical intimacy, yet you always break them? 

Narcissistic personalities determine if you’re a good target by testing your boundaries early. So, if yours are unmovable, you will save yourself a world of hurt by repelling these toxic people.

Conclusion

I hope you’ve learned the importance of paying attention to red flags. They can literally save your life!

Growing up in a dysfunctional home makes it harder to trust and protect yourself. The inner child thinks it’s protecting you by ignoring red flags, but it’s only putting you in jeopardy.

That’s why inner child healing can help you bring out the competent adult who will protect you in effective ways. Instead of allowing someone into your life who has the potential to ruin or even end it.

Laura K. Connell is an author, coach, and creator of Confusion to Clarity, a proven program to help you overcome the family dynamics at the root of your adult self-sabotage. Watch her free masterclass “The 4-Step Process for Healing Your Childhood Trauma” here: https://www.laurakconnell.com/masterclass-registration