Using “Relapses” To Accelerate Your Healing

By Marshall Burtcher.

“I just did it again. I didn’t maintain my boundaries!”

“I just gave in when I didn’t want to.”

“I didn’t realize till later I was fawning!  This is so frustrating!”

Did you know these don’t show you’re failing?

Yep.

They’re not signals of failure.

I see these as signals of awareness and an indicator that there is a low level of safety in the individual’s nervous system.

You see, codependency is a strategy our bodies and minds use when it does not feel safe, powerful, or properly resourced.  The behaviors of people-pleasing, perfectionism, being “nice” (aka accommodation of hurtful behaviors) are attempts to build safety in one, two or three areas:  emotional connection, social belonging, or self-worth.

I call these three areas, the Three Necessities.  All codependents have needs in each of these areas that are deeply neglected and require awareness, skill and support in nurturing.

My own therapy was sorely lacking in nurturing these areas effectively, which led me to becoming a mentor in codependency and developing my Freedom From Codependency body of work.

When we view these “relapses” through the lens of “what kind of safety am I seeking by doing this?”, we can quickly begin to ascertain what is lacking in that person’s world and begin nurturing it.

This kind of strategic approach to healing and growth results in outcomes that stick. It also unshames the nature of real growth and progress:  it is iterative or step-by-step.  It doesn’t happen in big leaps much of the time. 

Often relapse is a place of shame, frustration, and discouragement. 

This reaction is actually your codependent survival identity kicking into gear, doing the only thing it knows how to do to help solve the “problem”:  condemn yourself.

Consider this perspective: You’re not failing when you have a “relapse”.  You’re actually becoming better at detecting your impulses and seeing where you are in need for deeper safety and nurture.

This view promotes your aligned view of yourself – the view that sees you as the powerful, capable, innately worthy being who you truly are.  

This orientation gives you back your power and encourages you to step outside the survival identity that’s been running your healing journey and your life to see a totally different version of yourself that is available to you at any time.

Additionally, giving yourself permission to see your growth allows you to deepen your relationship with your real capability as a person.  You are a determined, powerful creator, and when you see that you can grow your awareness, implement new changes into your behaviors and your beliefs, and see new results emerge, much of the scary parts of life vanish.  This is because you’re anchored in power, not dependence.

I teach this shift in every module of my FOUNDATION and Codependency Healing System training.  I call it the “Growth Appreciation Practice”.  

Take time today to evaluate your discoveries, your results, your growth, and praise and appreciate them.  Do this consistently and you’ll find yourself feeling naturally, somatically confident, clear, and more capable in your healing.

And when the “relapses” happen, you’ll know what to ask yourself:  “Where am I in need of more safety:  in my emotional connections, my sense of belonging, my self-worth, or any combination?”

Then nurture yourself where you’re in need.  If you want my help in this, check out FOUNDATION.  It was designed to help all codependents succeed in being free of their codependency.

Marshall Burtcher turns codependents into confident, fulfilled creators of their lives. Begin your journey back to peace, power, and security with his 15-week experience starting January 19th, 2025, FOUNDATION. Click the link to learn more: https://foundation.freetheself.com