9 Baby Steps to Being More Assertive in Codependency Recovery
By Michelle Farris, licensed psychotherapist and codependency expert.
Codependency is like a tree with many branches. It impacts various aspects of our lives, but its effects are especially significant in our relationships. A core sign of codependency is difficulty being assertive especially when it comes to expressing our wants, needs and opinions. When we stay silent, relationships can become one-sided and unsatisfying.
In this article, you’ll learn how to become more assertive so that you can be your authentic self. Learning how to advocate for yourself is an important part of codependency recovery. These steps will help you honor your truth which can create more fulfilling relationships.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a relationship pattern where you hyper-focus on others for the love and approval you struggle to give yourself. This creates one-sided relationships and an unhealthy dependency on others.
In codependency recovery, being assertive can be a major hurdle especially when we grew up in dysfunctional families where our thoughts, feelings and experiences were dismissed. Many were taught to be silent or go along with what others wanted instead of learning how to honor ourselves.
Symptoms of codependency include:
- Putting other people’s needs ahead of your own.
- Pleasing others in hopes of gaining love and approval.
- Difficulty saying no and setting boundaries.
- Avoiding conflict and pleasing others to keep the peace.
- Struggling to let go of people or outcomes.
- Attracting people who need fixing or rescuing.
Nine Baby Steps to Being More Assertive
Recovery is a journey that allows you to grow at your own pace. Taking baby steps can be the easier, more compassionate way to do this type of healing. These suggestions are designed to build confidence gradually, moving from easier actions to more challenging ones.
Here are some steps to help you become more assertive in relationships.
- Break the Silence and Speak Up
If you’re used to staying quiet, practice speaking up—even if it’s about a neutral or seemingly unimportant topic. For example, if someone asks, “What did you think of the movie?” Share your opinion. Don’t keep quiet. This will help you build confidence and find your voice. - Ease In by Sharing a Popular Opinion
Share thoughts you know others might agree with. For example, during a conversation try speaking up and contributing to the conversation in some small way. This will make you feel more included and help you grow more comfortable expressing yourself in a group setting. It doesn’t matter what is said; the goal is to practice speaking up. - Share Your Unique Perspective
When you’re ready, share your unique opinion. It can be easier to start small, for instance, if someone asks for restaurant recommendations, you could say, “I really want to eat healthy; there’s a place downtown that makes amazing healthy food.” Create a positive mantra like “My voice matters” to ground yourself, especially if you’re worried about their reaction. - Use Your Mantra to Handle Disagreement
If someone disagrees or doesn’t validate your opinion, repeat your mantra silently to yourself. For example, if you say, “I think friends are more important than family,” and someone responds with, “I totally disagree,” remind yourself, “My voice matters,” and move on. The people who can handle disagreement without making you feel wrong are the ones worth keeping in your inner circle. - Practice Emotional Honesty with a Safe Person
Start by telling someone you trust how you feel. For example, you might say to a close friend, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed at work lately,” and allow them to support you. Being honest about how you’re feeling invites others to do the same. Doing this in a safe space reduces the fear and helps you practice emotional vulnerability. - Make Requests: State Your Needs
Ask for what you need or set a simple boundary. For example, if a coworker asks you to stay late and you’re unable to, you could say, “I’m sorry, I can’t stay late today.” Focus on the act of speaking up, not the outcome. Let them know you’d love to help but it’s not feasible right now. Success isn’t about their reaction; it’s about taking a step toward changing old behavior. - Practice Detachment When Needed
If someone’s behavior makes you uncomfortable, give yourself permission to leave. For instance, if a heated discussion at a family gathering is becoming too much, excuse yourself by saying, “I’m going to step outside for some fresh air.” Detachment is a silent boundary that protects your emotional well-being. Sometimes, less is more. - Set a Clear Boundary
Whether it’s saying “no” or “I need time alone,” stating your boundary out loud is a crucial step in breaking codependent patterns. For example, if a friend frequently calls late at night, you could say, “I’d appreciate it if we could talk before 7pm.” Boundaries help reclaim your time and energy and in time become a habit. - Assess What Worked and What Didn’t
After each interaction, reflect on the outcome. Did you feel heard? Were you clear? For instance, if you told a friend, “I’m not available to meet this weekend,” but they kept pushing, note how you could respond differently next time. Use these insights to evaluate the health of your relationships. - Keep Practicing with Others
Assertiveness is a skill that improves with repetition. Start with safe people and gradually expand your comfort zone. For example, practice saying “no” to a small request from a trusted friend, then work up to more challenging situations. Every step forward rewires old patterns and builds confidence.
Final Thoughts
Being assertive doesn’t have to be scary. It’s important to start small and with people who are safe for you. It should feel like a stretch but not so stressful that it would lead to panic or overwhelm.
As you begin to assert your needs and set boundaries, unhealthy relationships will either shift or fall away. This will create space for new connections to emerge. Healing codependency isn’t about fixing others; it’s about rediscovering your own voice and learning to prioritize yourself. Speaking up for yourself is the most effective way to create authentic relationships that honor your true self.
Learn more about Michelle and healing codependent relationships. Grab her free guide 7 Steps to Healing One-sided Relationships: The Codependent Solution https://counselingrecovery.lpages.co/codependent-relationship-freebie/
