How to Set Boundaries When You’ve Been Taught the Opposite

By Laura K. Connell.

Do you have trouble setting boundaries? If you struggle with codependency, the answer is probably ‘yes’.

In this article, you’ll learn the importance of boundaries and how to set them…even if you’ve tried every script and strategy under the sun.

Let’s dive in.

Why boundaries are hard to set if you’re codependent

Codependency is often passed down, so it’s likely you grew up in a home where boundaries weren’t allowed. Instead of being taught how to stand up for yourself or express your needs, you were taught the opposite.

To earn love and acceptance, you had to suppress your needs and go along with what other people wanted. It may have felt dangerous and scary to assert yourself, and you only felt okay if others were happy with you.

Why it’s important to set boundaries

A life without boundaries can never be authentic. That’s because you are basing your actions and decisions on other peoples’ thoughts and opinions, instead of what you want.

You may be so disconnected from yourself that you no longer know what you want. Your first instinct is to think about what someone else wants and do that.

It can feel wrong to do what’s best for you. But if you keep living for other people, you will never have the life you desire.

Boundaries keep out toxic people

Without boundaries, you have nothing to stop anyone coming in and taking advantage of you. When you state clearly what you will and won’t tolerate, you protect yourself from toxic people.

If you feel as though you attract negative personalities such as narcissists, a lack of boundaries may be the reason. Narcissists test your boundaries early on to see if you are a good target.

If you have standards and stick with them, that will repel narcissists and other dangerous people. This is mature self-preservation instead of the immature self-protection of your inner child who believes people pleasing keeps you safe.

Boundaries build confidence

Even though it feels difficult at first, you build confidence when you set consistent boundaries. It’s like going to the gym and doing reps, except you are repeatedly standing up for yourself until it feels less torturous.

Of course, you will have to navigate some serious feelings of guilt for simply doing what you want or what’s best for you. This is conditioning that you can overcome by remembering that your feelings may not be the best guide in this situation.

Feeling bad over setting a boundary is not a reason to stop. Instead, challenge the feeling and ask what it’s protecting you from. It’s likely the inner child with its immature approach to taking care of you.

How to Set Boundaries

If you’re reading this, you may have tried several scripts and strategies that haven’t worked for you long-term. Many self-help experts who teach boundary setting don’t fully understand the impact of growing up in a dysfunctional home.

Scripts are not as helpful as regulating your nervous system before going into a boundary-setting situation. Soothe the inner child who believes you are putting yourself in danger by erecting a boundary.

It is a part of you that is trying to protect you by putting your nervous system into fight or flight mode. You can forget about using logic to override this survival instinct.

Instead, acknowledge and thank the part of you that is trying to keep you safe. Use breathing and grounding techniques to tune into yourself and find peace.

From that place of grounded self-awareness, you can set an effective boundary. Instead of pushing through and trying to override a shattered nervous system, which a bully will sense and take advantage of anyway.

Conclusion

When you choose people pleasing over self-advocacy, you abandon yourself. This may have been a necessary survival skill in childhood, but it no longer works for you as an adult.

Self-abandonment prevents you from having the authentic life you deserve and desire. Worst of all, it stops you from serving the world with your gifts which are often kept hidden when you’re living an inauthentic life.

You may believe you are serving others by over giving. But the real gift comes when you stop focusing on others and focus on yourself and what makes you happy. 

As Howard Thurman famously said: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive”.

Laura K. Connell is an author, coach, and creator of Confusion to Clarity, a proven program to help you overcome the family dynamics at the root of your adult self-sabotage. Watch her free masterclass “The 4-Step Process for Healing Your Childhood Trauma” here: https://www.laurakconnell.com/masterclass-registration