How to Recognize Narcissism and Scapegoating in a Family System

By Laura K. Connell.

Narcissists exist within toxic family systems because these tend to revolve around the needs of the most toxic person in the family and this is the narcissist. 

Honesty is like kryptonite to a narcissist so they wouldn’t really survive in a healthy family. They need dysfunctional systems in order to thrive. 

These systems are dedicated to preventing change and growth, the very thing that you might be trying to reveal. So, your pursuit of the truth is very threatening to a narcissistic family, and you might be scapegoated so they can keep the toxic system intact.

The family scapegoat is the one who is targeted, often by the narcissist, to take the blame for all the problems in the family. In psychology, the narcissist projects her perceived negative traits onto the scapegoat.

If you have a sibling that has been chosen as a golden child, they are having your mother’s perceived positive traits projected onto them. They get privileges, both material and experiential, that you don’t get.

The family enables this narcissistic scapegoating by going along with it and not challenging the dynamic. Subconsciously they might be afraid of the narcissist and what would happen if they did stand up for the scapegoat. 

Narcissistic scapegoating and the “rules”

A lot of these family dynamics are unconscious patterns designed to keep things the way they’ve always been. The family fears change and will do everything they can to avoid it. 

Narcissistic scapegoating is unbelievably cruel and targets the most sensitive, creative, and honest family member simply for telling the truth. This challenges the unspoken rule of the family not to talk about anything real. 

The rules in a narcissistic family are dysfunctional. Healthy families have rules that assign age-appropriate tasks, insist on telling the truth, teach emotional regulation, healthy self-discipline, and how to navigate the world successfully.

Dysfunctional families have rules that do the opposite. They parentify the child so they are taking on tasks, both physical and emotional, that are beyond what a child their age should be doing.

These tasks are not designed to grow the child but relieve the parent of her duties. Narcissistic families center the needs of the parent while healthy families focus more on the needs of the child. 

Other rules in a narcissistic family include “Don’t tell”. That means you keep the secrets of your family safe from outsiders. 

“Don’t talk” means we don’t talk about the truth of the family dynamic but pretend everything is fine instead. “Don’t feel” means we don’t share honest emotions and if we do, we are punished or ignored. 

Conditional acceptance is another rule in the narcissistic family. You’re rejected if you try to set boundaries or speak your truth. 

The scapegoat is truth teller in a dishonest system

The scapegoat is called crazy anytime they try to express honest emotions. That’s why it’s hopeless to try and get your family to understand how you feel. 

You might bring all kinds of receipts, try to say things a different way, but you’ll never get through because they’re invested in not understanding you. 

It’s not that they don’t remember or see things in a different way. They don’t WANT to understand you because that would unravel the family dynamic that depends on you being the problem. 

If you’re a scapegoat, it’s important to face the truth that your family is not interested in what’s best for you. Your inner child protects you through a delusion that if you keep trying, they’ll one day understand you because they’re your family. 

That’s just not true. They are dedicated to denying and covering up the truth to keep things exactly as they are.

The sooner you understand and accept this the better. It’s incredibly painful to admit that your family may not truly care about you or even love you. 

But they may not love or care about each other, either, except in a very conditional way. And that’s not real love.

Laura K. Connell is an author, coach, and creator of Confusion to Clarity, a proven program to help you overcome the family dynamics at the root of your adult self-sabotage. Watch her free masterclass “The 4-Step Process for Healing Your Childhood Trauma” here: https://www.laurakconnell.com/masterclass-registration