Nurturing Acceptance And Attention In Your Life

By Marshall Burtcher.

Codependency is a strategy – not a disease, identity, or character flaw – that results from your nervous system’s attempt to create safety, belonging, and worth.  

I repeat this because this understanding is crucial to actually creating the change you seek in your life, especially if it entails having healthy, fulfilling relationships and purpose.

Such outcomes depend on you having an intimate experience-based understanding of the 10 core emotional needs that drive your life right now.

Last month, I shared about my simple framework, A.R.C., for meeting and nurturing emotional needs.

That framework is:

1. Step One: Attention
2. Step Two: Reception
3. Step Three: Connection

This month, we look at the first 2 of the 10 core emotional needs every human being has in their world.

Those two needs are:

• Acceptance
• Attention

These needs play fundamental roles in our sense of well-being, stability, and satisfaction in our lives.  Without them being met and understood regularly, we will feel off-center, frustrated, empty, or longing.

Let’s look at each briefly:

Acceptance

Not surprising this the first one, as it sets up the base for the rest of the needs to function.

Acceptance would say, “I’m glad you’re here”.  “I like you”.  “I see you and you are welcome here”.

It is the emotional experience of being brought into belonging and being valued.

We know we’re being accepted because our struggles, our pain, our limits, our needs and wants are met consistently with the warmth and care the above statements express. 

This applies to both your relationship with yourself, you with others, and others with you.  

Self-acceptance is the act of warmly receiving all that you feel with warmth and non-judgment.  “I’m glad you’re here” to the feelings of pain, hurt, or even needs and wants can soften the internal resistance that’s often developed towards these emotions and impulses.  They’re valid, important, and essential to our re-connection with worth and love.  

Attention

This is a valid, important need and not a problem.  I say this because it is so often attacked and put down.  I’m guilty of doing that with others, with myself, and also one that has protested a lot or withdrawn a lot when I didn’t get it (depending on which side of my fearful avoidant attachment orientation I’m on that day).

Attention is crucial for us to feel real, seen, and valued. It is the fundamental acknowledgment of our existence.  

And healthy attention is expressed as, “I see you. I acknowledge you.”  And deeper still would be a sense of being “gotten” by the other.  

Attention to Self is also crucial here.    Positive attention.  Attention that is warm and available. “I’m grateful I am here”.  “I see me and what I feel.” 

I practice these kinds of statements using a mirror and making eye contact with myself (caution, though!  This can be intense at first, so practice according to your capacity).

Begin to practice nurturing these needs in your daily life with a 5-minute mirror practice and also take note how others show acceptance and attention to you and others in their lives.  This will empower your ability to detect and receive these contributions to these needs.

See you next month for our next two needs: Being Valued and Respected!

Marshall Burtcher helps codependents, people-pleasers, and perfectionists rewire their mind, body, & identity for healthy, satisfying relationships, purpose & prosperity after codependency. Close the 3 gaps that keep you stuck with your pain, self-doubt, and low self-worth with the Breakthrough Bundle: https://bb.freetheself.com