The Secret to Healthy Relationships Isn’t What You Think

By Michelle Farris, licensed psychotherapist and codependency expert.

Most people think that when it comes to building healthy relationships, they focus on setting boundaries, learning better communication skills, or trying to resolve conflicts. And while these relationship skills are important tools, they’re not the core solution.

Why We Get It Wrong in Relationships

Here’s where most of us mess up: we focus on fixing the relationship because, deep down, we secretly believe it’s the other person who needs to change—not us. But we don’t see ourselves with the same clarity. It’s easier to think someone else is the problem.  

Sound familiar?

If the answer is yes, please know that you’re not alone. Most of us are great at spotting other people’s flaws, but not so great at looking at our own. And that’s where the real change lies.

The Real Secret to Healthy Relationships

So, what’s the real secret to building a healthy, loving relationship that truly honors you? 

It starts with YOU.

Step 1: Building a Relationship with Yourself

Here’s the truth: Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. Think about it—if you struggle to trust yourself, prioritize your needs, or set boundaries without guilt, how can you expect to be able to take care of yourself and be authentic in any relationship?

For example: Imagine you’re in a friendship where you constantly feel overlooked. You start resenting your friend, but instead of addressing it, you stay silent. Why? Because deep down, you’re afraid of being rejected. This isn’t just about the friendship; it’s about how you’ve learned to dismiss your own needs.

Several years ago, when I hit rock bottom in my own relationships, I realized that I wasn’t nurturing the one relationship that mattered most—the one with myself. Once I learned how to befriend myself, everything else began to shift. 

But most of us don’t see the value until it’s too late. 

In my case, I had to lose a very dear friend. I didn’t realize how much I was depending on her for support and approval until she left. It was a painful wake-up call, but it taught me to prioritize myself.

This began a brand new exciting chapter in my recovery. This took a few years but it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

When you stop depending on others for approval you become more emotionally independent, which will empower you in relationships.

When you start listening to your intuition and honoring it no matter what, your confidence grows.

When you make a commitment to be there for yourself first instead of constantly seeking outside approval from your friends, you learn to value yourself. 

Step 2: Grow From the Inside Out

We’re often taught to look outward—to fix things by changing our circumstances. 

Maybe you think, “If I move to a new city, find a better partner, or get a new job, everything will improve.” Perhaps you’ve read self-help books or binged podcasts, hoping to find the magic solution. But the real work is internal. It’s about identifying patterns, building self-trust, and learning to validate yourself instead of relying on others.

So right now, take a minute and ask yourself:

Do I dismiss my own needs?

Do I struggle to set boundaries?

Do I rely on external validation to feel worthy?

These are tough questions, but they’re essential if you want to break free from unhealthy patterns.

Step 3: Shift Your Expectations in Relationships

Healthy relationships aren’t about finding someone to “complete” you or make you happy. This is where most people struggling with codependency get stuck.

When trying to build healthy connections, issues of dependency tend to surface. That’s why learning how to befriend yourself becomes so critical. Without a solid sense of self, you will always fall back to expecting someone else to fill you up.

Healthy relationships benefit both people without overwhelming either party.

They require a shift in your focus from “What can I get?” to “How can I show up better for myself and others?”

For example, instead of expecting your partner to always meet your needs, ask yourself, “Am I able to meet my own needs and cultivate other forms of connection?” 

When you’re willing to look inward and own your part, you’ll be amazed at how your relationships transform—often without the other person needing to change at all.

Final Thoughts: 

The journey to healthy relationships starts with you. 

When you prioritize the relationship you have with yourself, your self-esteem grows from the inside out. You feel more confident and accepting of yourself because you have built a connection to yourself.  As a result, your expectations become more realistic as you no longer need other people to feel whole or content. You’ll create connections that feel more balanced, loving, and authentic.

Take the first step today: Reflect on how you’re showing up in your relationships. The changes you make within yourself will ripple outwards, transforming not just your relationships, but your entire life.

Are you ready to take that step?

Learn more about Michelle and healing codependent relationships. Get her LIVE training on How to Build Healthy Relationships Without Sacrificing Yourself https://counselingrecovery.lpages.co/fix-your-relationship