Codependency, Intimacy & The Inner Child’s Dilemma

By Candace van Dell

How many of you experience a deep longing for intimacy and at the same time feel terrified when you get too close?

It is a very normal and common experience for those of us who have experienced a Mother or Father wound. Those of us who lacked consistent emotional mirroring. Those of us who did not get to be the kid but instead were forced into taking care of our parents emotions. Those of us who grew up in a dysfunctional home. Those of us who felt abandoned, neglected, shamed, not enough, like something was wrong with you, unloved and misunderstood.

Just reading that last sentence gives you a clear picture of WHY intimacy may be craved and also feared.

We have a deep primal need to belong, to be seen, to be heard, to feel like we are worthy enough to EXIST. Yes, I know it can be sad and even devastating to look at the reality of what our inner children have felt. But the bright side is that YOU MADE IT AND YOU ARE HERE HEALING AT THE MOMENT.

Often times we underestimate the power of our divine selves.

We forget that the little one inside who is so closely connected to source energy has been leading us the entire way. In fact I have a tattoo that says “Divinely Guided”. I got that tattoo when I surrendered all my fear, worry, codependency to GOD. I knew I was fine but even admitting that was scary. We can be scared and walk the path anyways you know 😉

When we still carry this wound, our relationships look tricky and inconsistent. We may need to relieve our fear of intimacy by creating fights or sabotaging when things are going really well. We may need to keep choosing (subconsciously) emotionally unavailable partners, wounded partners, emotionally immature partners and narcissistic partners just to make sure we will never get too close to real intimacy. IT SCARES US BECAUSE IT IS FOREIGN TO US.

These types of partners also mirror our emotional imprint, the emotional experience we are most used to whether we like to admit it or not.

We get in our own way UNTIL we admit the truth of our pain and then become the parent we always needed. We are most intimate with our Mothers. We grew inside her body and she nourished us through her body. We need to become our own MOTHER in order to have intimacy with ourselves and therefore ALLOW IT WITH ANOTHER.

I will give you the first two steps to my inner work course:

1. Consistency.

2. Dependability.

You must be consistent with your daily self care practice of meditation. You must do this to start to anchor to a higher power which is also the energy of your inner child. You must also check in with your inner child everyday no matter what to make her/ him feel that they can depend on your care. This is how we start to establish SELF TRUST and self trust is how you will HEAL.

Candace van Dell, Healer (Inner child & relationship) Expert. Learn more about Candace here:

1 Response

  1. Momof2boys says:

    this was amazing advice, thank you.

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