The Secret To Getting The Connection You Crave
By Marlena Tillhon MSc
There is one common theme running through my work with codependent clients and it is a deep longing for connection.
Everyone wants to connect deeply with someone else and then feel that connection streaming through their hearts, minds and souls.
We want it to make us feel loved, happy and whole.
We want it to ease our pain and put us back in touch with our worth.
We want it to be our everything in every way.
But we keep getting disappointed.
Every person we are with turns out to be emotionally unavailable.
We don’t feel connected.
In fact, we fight and feel more disconnected than ever before.
We don’t feel like we’re part of a team.
In fact, we feel like we’re doing all the work without getting anything valuable in return.
And we certainly don’t feel loved.
In fact, we feel more unlovable than ever before.
This is what I call being trapped in a codependent nightmare.
Wanting connection and doing everything in our power to make that happen only to have less of it than ever before.
How does this happen and what causes it?
The answer is simple.
Codependency is all about internal disconnection.
You are disconnected from yourself to protect yourself from feeling the pain that you were subjected to as a child.
But this now leaves you disconnected from your feelings, your desires, your needs, your truth and your power.
What that means is that you are trying to connect from a place of disconnection.
And that just can’t work.
You want to feel all the positive feelings associated with being in a happy, healthy and loving relationship but while you are closed off to feeling your feelings that cannot happen.
Codependency is a trauma-response.
We disconnected from ourselves to avoid feeling a pain we didn’t know what to do with and that felt too overwhelming to stay present for.
The healthy part within us still seeks connection.
But the traumatised part within us still seeks to protect us from what once hurt us.
If you haven’t done the healing work around that or learned the skills needed to create healthy connection, that part still protects you today.
So it is not standing in your way to stop you from experiencing something beautiful – it is there to protect you because you still need it.
How can you overcome it?
You heal your inner wounds.
And that requires you to reconnect to yourself and especially your feelings so that you can experience the connection you crave.
Your feelings were never the real threat.
What was going on around you was.
You didn’t have the means, skills or resources back then to handle this situation in a way that left you feeling safe and protected.
But you can develop those skills today.
You can become the adult you needed then.
You can learn to represent yourself, set boundaries and make choices that are good for you.
You can move away from people who just aren’t good for you or to you.
You can say no to anything that harms you and doesn’t feel right.
But you need your feelings to guide the way.
To me, recovering from codependency is first and foremost about learning how to safely reconnect to your feelings.
Because what you want depends on your feelings.
Your feelings are the gateway to everything you want.
They are also the gateway to what you don’t want: past pain and emotional overwhelm.
How can you navigate this challenge?
By learning how to manage and master your feelings.
That way you no longer have to fear any of them.
Instead, you will know how to feel them and respond to them.
That’s when you can fully open up to real connection, love and intimacy.
That’s when it becomes safe for you to feel it and let it in.
If you crave connection with others, tend to the connection you have with yourself first.
That’s what will change everything for you.
How do I know?
Because it is what changed everything for me and for hundreds of my clients.
Today it’s safe to feel your feelings if you are willing to learn how to feel and respond to them.
It’s completely up to you.
By Marlena Tillhon, MSc. Codependency & Relationship Expert, Psychotherapist & Self-Actualisation Coach. Outgrow codependency, break through inner love blocks and transform the relationship you have with yourself so that you can finally create an amazing relationship you feel safe and loved in. I invite you to join the Epic Love (R)Evolution! Uplevel your love life by ditching what doesn’t work, doing more of what does and learning everything you need to know to make real love last. Learn more here: https://www.epiclove.me/revolution