Estranged from Your Partner? Express Appreciations!
By Carista Luminare, Ph.D.
Appreciation is a simple act, and its effects are profound. If you feel estranged from your partner, it’s likely that you’re withholding supportive comments from each other.
People respond better when they are recognized for who they are or what they do. It can be a simple thank you, an affirming smile, or a thoughtful gift.
Expressing appreciation strengthens bonds as it creates a positive feeling of connection between two people. Communicating gratitude can melt away difficulties or estrangement. It is quick and enjoyable and can be spoken in a playful or intimate way.
Voicing your appreciation is a powerful practice that can improve all your relationships – especially with your partner by increasing warm feelings of closeness and love. Children thrive when they are encouraged through appreciation for learning new behaviors that support their true nature.
When you feel distant from anyone, generously expressing your appreciation can flip negative feelings to positive ones if your comments focus on what you love and respect in each other.
If you are more aware of the benefits of gratitude, it’s good to take the lead. Clarify how each person intends to provide positive feedback about the other’s virtues and value to them. Most people appreciate having their small as well as significant successes celebrated. The message is that you matter and what you do makes a difference.
The act of appreciation is not just a polite gesture. It is backed by science and can have a positive impact on your mental and physical health. When you express appreciation, you activate the reward center in your brain, which releases the feel-good neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin.
This graph, from HeartMath Institute, shows the differences in heart rhythm when an individual feels appreciated. They state: “Heart-focused, sincere, positive feeling states boost the immune system, while negative emotions can suppress the immune response. The smooth heart rhythm, measured by heart-rate variability (HRV), is a highly ordered, coherent pattern, and indicates good health and emotional balance.”
Another powerful aspect of appreciation is its ability to inspire others to do their best. In acknowledging their efforts to care for you in ways you love, you create a positive feedback loop that motivates success and growth for the individual and the relationship. Each person feels recognized for their caring gestures towards the other. It’s another way of saying, please do more of that behavior, it makes a difference.
Appreciation cultivates a sense of gratitude for the blessings in our lives, including the person we are expressing gratitude to in a genuine way.
Practice: Shower the One You Love with Love
First propose to your partner (or anyone who wants to play) to practice 3 rounds of appreciation.
Turn to your partner and tell them three positive things you appreciate about them. Allow things to spring to mind spontaneously. Tell them directly, while looking lovingly into their eyes. Use a kind voice that feels authentic to the feelings you are sharing. You can take turns, agreeing how many rounds you do.
If you want to do some preparation to clarify before the exchange, here are some ideas.
Fill in any of the lines below that feel useful to you. Be as specific as possible. For example, instead of saying, “I like it when you are kind,” say, “I appreciated your kindness when you captured the neighbor’s dog and brought it back to them.” Specific instances demonstrate to your partner that you notice their actions and behavior, as well as their good nature.
- Things you did recently that touched me…
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- What opens my heart when I see you…
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- What made me smile when I watched you in action…
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- The best thing that happened this week because of you…
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- What you did that was helpful, kind, or considerate…
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Now list 3 or more of these distinctions that you want to share with your partner. The best form to use: “I appreciate…” “I really like it when you…” “I felt loved when you…” “I am grateful that you…”
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When you’re both ready, turn toward each other. Choose who will go first. Look lovingly into their eyes and tell them one thing that you appreciate about them. Give them a few moments to take it in.
When you receive their appreciation, allow it to sink in deeply, into your heart and your body. After receiving it fully, simply say, “Thank you,” and take a breath. Let your “Thank you” land with your partner, then tell them something you appreciate about them.
Go back and forth, taking turns, at least three times. You don’t have to use your written list. Share whatever comes to mind spontaneously.
Do this practice every day or whenever you feel disconnected or estranged. Feel free to initiate the practice by saying, “Let’s do our three appreciations!”
Your list should change each time. It can be as playful as, “I love the shape of your nose,” or something practical, such as, “I love that you took out the garbage without me asking.” Or something deeper: “I love when you support me in such a tender and caring way.”
Feel free to ask for a “bonus round” after your first three shares. Once you start the flow of appreciation, the warmth between you tends to blossom.
Be playful and heart-felt. Make sure your words don’t sound at all judgmental or demeaning. Enjoy the appreciation practice – it’s like a daily vitamin for any relationship.
In addition to being a regular contributor to the #1 Online Magazine For Codependency Recovery, Carista Luminare, Ph.D., is an Attachment Specialist, counseling individuals and couples for 45 years. Learn how Carista and her partner rewired each other and many clients from insecure attachment to secure love – featured in her 4-week online course called “Confused about Love? Get Clear. Be Wise. Feel Secure” at: www.ConfusedAboutLove.com/register
