The Toxic Trait That Repels Love

By Marlena Tillhon MSc.

When you were taught to be submissive in your relationships, you grow up believing that in order to be with another person you need to disempower yourself and hand control over to others. 

Then what they want becomes your priority.

What they need trumps what you need.

How they feel determines how you feel.

Soon the relationship isn’t about you at all as you take on a position of servitude. 

By remaining in this passive and subservient role, you condemn yourself to staying stuck in unfulfilling and often unhealthy relationships in which you over-give and over-love to the point of self-sacrifice.

You think that you can prove them wrong about what they think about you.

You think that you can show them how valuable you are.

You think that you can earn their love.

But what you are really doing by making yourself submissive and subservient is teaching them that they do not have to consider and respect you. 

There are no consequences for not treating you right because you stay. You keep on giving. You keep on loving. You keep on taking it.

And healthy relationships don’t work that way.

Healthy self-esteem doesn’t work that way.

You can love someone and move away from them if they continuously hurt you.

You can love someone and respect yourself by distancing yourself when they fail to respect you.

You can love someone and set boundaries that lead to consequences when being violated.

You do not deserve to be treated badly and you do not earn love by accepting disrespect and mistreatment.

There is no need to sacrifice yourself to receive love.

It is the exact opposite way when it comes to the Energetics of Love.

To be a match for real love, you have to be loving towards yourself and others.

And no matter how much you want to believe that you are loving when you tolerate and forgive abusive behaviours, it is not only unloving towards yourself, it is also enabling the other person’s bad behaviour.

To free yourself from this pattern of self-subjugation, you must first begin to see that the relationship you have with yourself is incredibly important especially if you want to have an amazing romantic relationship.

If you don’t respect yourself, others probably won’t respect you either.

If you don’t care enough about your feelings to set boundaries with those who hurt you, others probably won’t care very much about how you feel either.

If you don’t stand up for what’s good for you, no one else will – they are standing up for themselves.

And that’s not a bad thing!

We have to unshame standing up for yourself and representing your needs.

That is what is needed to co-create healthy relationships in which both partners matter: both partners expressing how they feel and what they need and then holding space for the other person to do the same thing.

That is loving.

It is also a sign of emotional maturity.

And a healthy response to a bid for connection.

So if you wish to experience more love and less pain in your relationships, I invite you to identify the ways in which you subjugate yourself and tolerate too much unloving behaviour.

Remind yourself that that isn’t love … to accept getting hurt, to force yourself to forgive and forget, to settle for going without what you want and need …

That isn’t love.

That is codependency.

By Marlena Tillhon, Psychotherapist, Codependency Expert & Relationship Coach. Outgrow codependency by learning how to have a healthy relationship with yourself, healing old wounds, calming insecure attachment and developing healthy relationship skills so that you can finally create the relationship you long for and get the love you need. Join the free training

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