They Didn’t Let You Be Authentic

By Candace van Dell, Spiritual Coach & Teacher.

If you are struggling with Codependency it is because you were not allowed to be Authentic as a child. Your Mother or Father may have been narcissistic or emotionally wounded or unavailable. You may have dealt with abuse of some kind or neglect or abandonment.

When we grow up with parents who did not do their inner work and who did not heal their generational trauma or childhood trauma, we take on their coping mechanisms rather than their authentic mirror.

We learn to people please, to shift our authentic selves to accommodate others. We learn that being in our power, shining and being successful at things may be very triggering to our less than healthy parent. We grow up feeling afraid of shining but also afraid of failing. We are literally STUCK in this mediocre prison of not doing too much and trying to do enough. We begin to look fully EXTERNALLY for an indication that it is safe to be who we are, but we also start to forget who that truly is.

We begin to forget things and we believe that our lack of ability to allow ourselves to own ourselves is somehow our fault. We blame ourselves for being in this stuck reality but we also subconsciously block ourselves from ever fully moving out of it. These subconscious fears of UPSETTING someone that we need for our survival run deep.

So what to do about this? Catch yourself every time you feel like you are catering to someone else’s mood or emotional state. Instead shift back into self and remind yourself that YOU GET TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL REGARDLESS OF THEM. Remind yourself that you also get to feel connected to yourself even when others disconnect. Coming back home to the authentic self is all about GROUNDING in your present feelings without needing them to be different.

I often say that we do to our inner child what was done to us as a child. So instead of abandoning your true present emotions to cater to others, you will now OWN your true present emotions in the presence of others. You may feel triggered by this at first but I promise you over time when you continue to constantly claim what you feel over the urge to abandon it, you will be training your inner child that she/he can trust you and follow your new lead.

Sending you so much love and support for this continued journey HOME.

By Candace van Dell. Learn more about Candace’s work to heal emotional wounds and toxic relationships dynamics in her 12 week online course EMOTIONAL REHAB here:

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