The Importance of Rejection In Your Happiness
By Marshall Burtcher.
What comes up in your body when you read that word?
A knot in your stomach?
Your mind getting rigid and narrow?
Your heart picks up its beat a bit?
A sensation of prickly discomfort in the belly?
We fear it.
We work hard to avoid it.
We people-please. We say yes to things we don’t want or like. We avoid conflict and confronting problems that, if solved, would add to our peace. We suffer in silent loneliness and pain, confusing it with peace.
Ultimately, we sacrifice ourselves.
I’ve found it to be a very simple, very important answer: Because we cherish what little connection we have and we cannot face life without at least that little bit of belonging.
This is a deep, legitimate need that is being fed the breadcrumbs of occasional attention, approval, and inclusion.
Better than nothing, right?
Yet, when we operate from this relationship with rejection, we create more of the starvation for connection that we’re trying to prevent.
This is because we have made rejection significant to a core part of our being – a part that is naturally inherent, whole, and complete. It doesn’t need to be earned. It needs to be known.
What is this part?
It is our worth. Transactional love and relating taught us to believe worth is conditional, variable, and dependent on the utility of a person. This is where we find ourselves liked or “loved” for what we do, but not for who we are or our simple presence in the world. This is where approval gets confused with love.
This shows up as:
- When I’m loved, I’m lovable
- When I’m rejected, I’m worthless
- When I succeed, I’m worthy
- When I fail, I’m worthless
When we walk with love neglect, any attention, any approval, any kind of affection or interest feels like a balm. This is how we get hooked into those relationships that create more pain rather than soothing and healing.
What is the solution to this cycle?
It is simple and complex, and it starts with understanding that rejection and your worth are not actually, inherently linked.
Instead, your worth is naturally autonomous, meaning your real worth doesn’t require justification or reasons for it to exist. It already does.
Feeling this, trusting this, and knowing this shifts rejection into its proper purpose: To sort people, places, and things into their proper position with yourself (check out my articles, “Are You Defining Your Worth Based On Codependent Expectations?” for more on this).
Put another way, rejection is a filter. It helps you determine who is a good fit in your life for certain things, like friendships, lovers, companions, acquaintances, and so forth.
Rejection helps you cultivate your well-being and your happiness this way.
You experience this when you are rejected and when you reject.
It shows up as, “I’m not a good fit for their happiness. They’re not a good fit for mine.”
What shifts in you if you trust this to be true, just for a moment?
What do you discover is possible for you now?
That new possibility is your path forward beyond the grip of rejection.
Rejection: What if it was your ally all along?
Marshall Burtcher, Codependency Healing Expert. Codependency is how you survived. Learn how to thrive by unlocking your True Self. Start today my free workshop here: https://workshop.freetheself.com