The Reason You Give Them So Much Power

By Candace van Dell.

Have you noticed how much power your partner holds for you in the way of validating your emotions, judging your triggers, or shaming you for reacting to their wrong treatment of you?  In a nutshell you are looking for their PERMISSION SLIP to own your truth.

Let’s talk about this.  I just got off a call with a group of students in one of my courses.  The main theme was how they were shaming their reactions to their triggers.  This shame spiral creates more and more distance from your true authentic self which leaves you even more CRAVING of their attention, approval and validation of you.

They are on a pedestal for you because you are feeling the deep shame from childhood and you are still looking for your parent in them.  When we can STOP SHAMING OUR TRIGGERS or the reactions to them, we are on the right track.  Reparenting is about treating yourself better than others were capable of treating you.  BUT, you get stuck in the old pattern of looking externally for this need.

Instead of immediately giving your power away until they approve of you, start to approve of your imperfect reactions.  These triggers are trauma responses.  These triggers came from an experience that was wrong for you.  It is not you who is crazy for having them but it is you who needs your own unconditional love to heal them.

The second you have a trigger and react, you need to put your hand over your heart and love yourself.  Love the part of you that is triggered.  Love the part that is dysregulated.  Love the part that had no one to understand them.  Love the part that does not know what to do with this and love the part that feels out of control.  In this loving of self, you are staying connected to your heart which brings down the fear of self abandonment.  When your inner child sees and feels your own ability to hold space for the parts you shame, you automatically see that loving your flaws is possible so why couldn’t they?  It’s a “them problem”.  Remind yourself that even if you think you should be better at this, you aren’t and that part needs to be loved too.  With this understanding, you naturally get better at this new way of being and it becomes our upgraded way to be your own AUTHORITY ON YOU. And this releases you from needing a permission slip from others.

Candace van Dell, Inner work expert and Spiritual/Emotional Coach. Check out one of Candaces on demand digital courses for healing the original wound:

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