Emotional Authenticity is Tough for Codependents

By Candace van Dell.

My method to healing back to the true authentic self is to “Get REAL about how you FEEL so you can HEAL.”  I have been saying this for a decade and let me tell you, it works!!!

As children of narcissistic parents or emotionally immature, unpredictable parents, we grew up with attachment injuries and often times trauma bonded to our original source of love and life.

When you are a child, you have natural intuitive needs.  You have natural emotional responses.  Your system is created perfectly to protect you and keep you safe.  However, as babies we are not able to fend for ourselves.  Also one of our top biological needs is to CONNECT.  So we are totally dependent on those who gave birth to us and raise us.  When our parent is not totally healthy and has not done their own inner work, we can experience some emotional traumas early on.  We can learn that following our own inner guidance may get us rejected, abandoned or pushed in some way.  We are taught to line up with Mom or Dad’s needs instead of our own.  We learn that our own inner system is getting us in trouble and we turn against it, doubt ourselves and live for external validation since we have not been taught to internally validate.

This is the breaking point of our emotional authenticity.

We experience a trauma bond with our parent and future partners.  We learned that we must abandon ourselves to stay safe.  We can’t trust ourselves and ultimately we do not feel SAFE WITHIN.  This feels extremely scary!!!  

The cycles of inconsistent love or validation lead to the need to PLEASE.  We live to please them over our own innate needs or feelings.  When you become a pleaser you are living for OTHERS entirely.  You think you are living for yourself because you feel better when others are pleased, but that is the trap.

Your biggest fear becomes the rejection of others because now you have abandoned your own authentic feelings so much that THEIR feelings are what you find yourself living for.  

There is a way back to self.  Each day we must do our best to line up with what we feel in that moment.  Notice when your thoughts line up with how others feel, then bring it back to SELF.  If you do not know what you feel, honor the fact that NOT KNOWING is so much better than thinking you feel what THEY FEEL.  Getting real about how you feel will bring you home.  Please check out my emotional rehab program to dive deep into your emotional healing.  https://emotionalrehab.candacevandell.com