Their Inadequacies Are Not Your Fault

By Candace van Dell, Spiritual Coach & Healer.

When we grow up in dysfunctional families, we learn an overwhelming sense of responsibility and also unnecessary self blame.  Our parents are wounded and do not know how to take responsibility for their own unhealed parts.  They create a codependency with us so that we start to think that we earn love by needing them or meeting their needs over our own.

This pattern actually creates a toxic dynamic of allowing people to project their inadequacy onto us.  I was talking with a client earlier today.  He told me that his Father made him think that he needed him but as he grew older, he realized it was his Father who just needed to be needed.  He asked me what I thought of this and I immediately validated his perception.  Yes, codependent parents need to feel needed so that their anxiety about being validated and connected to is met.  

What we need to take from this is that our adult relationships may be unbalanced because of this.  We may decide to be independent and alone so that we don’t need to risk enmeshment or because we do not have the proper boundaries to feel safe.  Or we may keep finding partners to fix so that we can feed that false sense of being enough through saving others.

Many unhealed empaths find their worth through taking care of others and healing others at the compromise of SELF.  Instead we can rise up by recognizing this and shifting the focus inward.  We do the counter intuitive thing and go to the places that were previously uncomfortable.  We can remain very conscious in those places and start asking questions instead of running the other way.  Like my client today, I taught him how to go towards something he wants and neutrally observe is body.  What happens to you when you go towards something familiar?  

When we grow up like this we develop an emotional imprint that love is need.  We get drained and overwhelmed and then leave or give up our own needs. Instead what we need to do is notice it and then change course.  Start trusting your needs and ask for what you feel.  Talk about boundaries without guilt and set up a relationship that is both sided, not one sided.  We need to break through those blocks of guilt and realize that other people’s inadequacies are not because of us.  As we place some healthy new boundaries, we will start to get comfortable with standing up for ourselves and what we need regardless of others.

In addition to being a regular contributor to the #1 Online Magazine For Codependency Recovery, Candace van Dell is a Spiritual Coach & Healer. Learn more about Candace and healing unhealed empaths on her website or with one of her popular courses.

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