Why You’ll Never Feel Truly Loved In A Codependent Relationship
By Marlena Tillhon
I recently asked my audience what they want most from their romantic relationship and the top answer was ‘to feel loved’.
It’s the same for me.
Always has been, always will be.
So how come I rarely ever felt like that even though I spent most of my adult life in a romantic relationship?
Because my relationships were codependent.
And codependent relationships just aren’t healthy. They are also not built on love.
Codependency is a term that describes an imbalanced relationship in which both people enable each other’s self-sabotaging or self-destructive habits.
If our partner is struggling with an addiction or anger management issues, for example, we like to feel that we are the healthy or strong one but the truth is that this situation allows us to focus on someone else so that we can continue to ignore ourselves, neglect our needs and remain emotionally malnourished.
In this way, our partner’s problem enables our problems and together we co-create a codependent nightmare that is based on problems, fear and shame – hardly an environment for love to bloom and blossom.
The way we long to feel is born in a place of safety. That’s when we are open to connection. That’s when we allow our feelings to flow. That’s when we can love, receive love and feel loved.
But this sense of safety is missing in codependent relationships because both partners have a lot of inner struggles and fears to suppress, avoid or control.
The openness required to feel safe would therefore threaten to expose what we are trying to hide.
And so we don’t go there.
What I have seen – and experienced in my own life – again and again is that an unhealthy relationship allows us to stay in hiding.
We don’t have to share all of us.
We don’t even have to look at ourselves in depth or detail.
We don’t have to address our own issues of low self-esteem, lacking self-belief, emotional inhibition and flawed relationship skills.
And that’s a big payoff for staying in a codependent relationship!
But here’s the thing: you can only have one or the other.
You cannot hold on to your codependent habits and stay in a codependent relationship if you want to feel truly loved.
Like, truly and genuinely loved for who you are.
That’s just not going to happen.
Will you have a few good days every now and then? Possibly.
Should you settle for that? Definitely not.
Healthy relationships are available to you.
There are people who are ready to love you for who you are right now.
You might even be able to improve your existing relationship.
My point is, you can get the love you need but you have to choose it.
You have to be done with codependency and own your desire to be loved, to experience real love and to have a relationship that fulfils you in every possible way.
It is possible.
But are you ready to make it happen?
Are you willing to let it in?
Are you willing to open up and let yourself be seen?
Are you ready to finally feel loved?
That’s the question.
And only you can answer it.
Just know that you can have what you want.
By Marlena Tillhon, MSc, Codependency Expert, Psychotherapist & Self-Actualization Coach. Outgrow codependency, heal toxic shame and transform the relationship you have with yourself so that you can finally create an amazing relationship you feel safe and loved in. I invite you to join your Epic Love (R)Evolution! Revolutionize your relationships and know exactly what’s healthy and loving and what’s not and how to make real love last. Learn more here: www.epiclove.me/revolution